14 Jun, 2011
ADOPTION Stories? Children? Parents? ?
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So I am 19 and was adopted as an infant. It was a closed adoption, thus I know practically nothing about my birth mother. the lawyer said she was beautiful and musical (which I am as well, coincidence or hereditary?) and she was in college when she had me.
Every day I think about where she is, if she thinks about me, especially on my birthday every year, I wonder if she has kept track of how old I am.
I don't think anyone who is not adopted can really understand that piece of my heart that yearns to know where I came from biologically so I ask for answers from those of you with experience on the subject.
What are your stories? have you ever contacted your biological parents and if so how did it go? or have you yourself given up a child through a closed adoption? how would you feel if your child tried to contact you today?
your stories would mean so much to me, and if you dont want to post them on here, IM or e-mail is great too.
Thanks.
my fiance is adopted. he told me, that he once tried to get in contact with his birth parents, but, it was going to cost an arm and a leg (don't know the exact amount) so he didn't go through with it. but, it seems all of his family knows something about his birth parents. his cousin told him a few months ago, that she found out his father had a mental illness. every since then, every time he thinks something weird or gets mad, he refers back to what his cousin said, and he gets scared. he is afraid he will be like his dad. he is 29 now, and *has wanted* to find them, but, he has given up. he told me once, that if they didn't care enough to keep him, then he doesn't care enough to find them. i feel bad for him in a way, but, his adopted parents are WONDERFUL people. he is much better off with them, i know.
my biological mother had gone through a lot as a young woman and developed mental illness. Even though everyone, including myself realised she wasn't emotionally able to care for me, she wanted me and the authorities forced her to give me up and they even had to go through the courts because she was so desperate to keep me.
I was given to a new family and unfortunately I was physically abused by the adoptive father. I was immediately taken away after I recieved treatment and placed into foster care. I was about 3-4 months old at this point.
A new family wanted to see me and adopted me at 5 months of age. I have a vivid memory of being taken away from the foster carer's arms and I was screaming and crying. I even remember the grey floral wallpaper in the background and a child sitting on the floor next to us.
My new adoptive family were very nice and provided me with loads of opportunities and friends. I always knew I was adopted I think not because I was ever told but because I remembered being with someone else before. my parents never talked about my adoption. It was only when I poked my nose into my dad's diary when I was 15 to find out all my background information. It was a hell of a shock to find it all out like that and know that my parents had kept it all a secret such as the abuse and my mother's mental illness.
When I was 7 a boy who was in a foster care situation that we knew of came to stay with us. I had been friends with him since I came to my new adoptive family. he was very troubled and difficult, but I really bonded with him and was proud to call him my brother. he was very special to me and although he was a bit of a problem all I ever remembered of him was good. However, when I was 9, almost ten, they kicked him out because they couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore and sent him to another foster family. I was devistated and it broke my heart. I was never the same after that. I thought that because I was adopted why did they keep me and stick by me even though I was naughty and not him? It was only recently when my foster brother talked to me and told me not to feel guilty about it that I cried and cried and cried and this huge weight came off my shoulders. I never realised how guilty a 9 year old can feel. Adults often don't even notice or realise how much a loss can affect a child.
After that I went to good schools and generally have had a happy and successful life, however I always wanted my adoptive parents to be more understanding about my feelings.
When I was about 16 I met my biological grandfather for the first time and it was magical. I found out my medical history and we had such similar interests, even down to a favourite specific breed of dog (english bull terrier). I then met my biological aunties one by one (there are three of them) and that was shock but also a most amazing experience. However, I still haven't met my biological mother. both families are worried about her mental illness and how I will cope. I learned that there is artistic skill and a habit of lateness that I inheritted from my mother's side. I am very very musical though and this was not in my family so I thought. However, my aunt told me some information about my father and she said that he played multiple instruments and was very musical himself.
Edit: Hey, a thumbs down? No one else seemed to get thumbs down for sharing their story. I don't see how my experience can be wrong. 
Well, mine is rather long, but it helps to get it out sometimes. Haha. So I am 21, will be 22 in less than a month. my mother was on cocaine the whole time she was pregnant with me, and for some dumb reason the state did not take me away from her, so when I was six months she tried to hurt me and I was taken away temporarily and given back when I was a year old. Shortly thereafter the stomped on me thus breaking just about every bone I have and they finally took me away for good. I was put into the system and lived with an older couple. I can't remember if I was the only one or what since I was young, I just remember them. And when I was about four or five I was put into a foster home not far away. these foster parents allowed me to visit and stay with my biological grandmother every weekend. I was to never see or talk to my biological mother, but one day she just popped in and brought me a cat. ?? I remember that like it was yesterday. I never told a soul because I wouldn't have got to see my grandma anymore. So the foster parents adopted me when I was six and then when I was eight they decided to put me up for adoption again because they couldn't afford to have me anymore. So my foster dads sister was this ladies best friend and the best friend couldn't have kids and I got to visit and go on vacation with them and stuff and I actually chose them to be my parents. They are my mom and dad and will be always. So my adoption was more or less a closed one although I got to see my biological grandparents. I also know I have two full brothers that are a little younger than me and they were taken away too. she did not hurt the oldest of the two but the second she did and they were separated. I plan to try to find them sometime in the near future. as far as trying to contact my biological mother, I am still undecided since I know all that went on. I have gone 14 years without speaking to my biological grandmother and I called her not too long ago just to see if she was still around and stuff. I know where my biological mother lives and its just me choosing to actually face her. I wouldn't know what to say. some stories are so much happier than mine, but mine has made me a stronger person. I am completely normal and I am married and trying to have a kid of my own now. I don't regret my past and I wouldn't change it. It did not make me a problem child, if anything it made me look at everything and say, "hey that is not who I want to be.". So there is my LONG story. Haha. Good luck to you!
Dear Rachel,
If you want to search, you should. there are several regulars on this site who have done so ? with positive results. there are some people who have had negative experiences, but I think that if your heart needs answers, you deserve to get them.
Almost every first mother thinks about the child(ren) she has "lost" to adoption. we never forget our children ? and we never stop loving them. Birthdays and holidays are the most painful. I am willing to bet our first mother knows EXACTLY how old you are and that she thinks of you often. more than 90% of us want reunion with our children ? most of us never wanted give our children up.
There are several ways for you to begin searching and there are some regular posters here who can be of far more assistance than I can. (Possum and Heather B., where are you?!)
Best Registry:
isrr.net/
Support:
adultadoptees.org/
Good luck to you! I hope you find the answers you are looking for!
I'm both. I was adopted at 3 months, closed. my son was adopted at 3 years, closed.
When I was 21 I stumbled across a website that had a search registry on it. Being bored out of my mind I typed in my birthdate and there she was, looking for me. Emailed the registry owner and was talking on the phone with my mom 2 days later. three days after that she came to the city and stayed the weekend. On Sunday my adad made a joke about me going to live with her? we looked at each other and said YES! at the same time. I lived with her for 3 years, the best three years of my life honestly. we met 10 years ago and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
I wait patiently for the day my son turns 18, 4 years from now. until then I think about him and hope he knows how much I miss and love him. If he showed up on my doorstep tonight I would grab him and hug him! I can not even explain how over the top I would be. Hell I would kill just to see him across a crowded room?
Hey pssttt. Mama Kate gave you the two BEST links on the planet!
I was adopted at age 11. my mother was pressured into keeping me when she was at a fragile point in her life; as a result, I grew up resented and was lucky if I went a day without being screamed at or worse.
When she committed suicide, I was 11. my grandparents were dead and my mother had refused to name my biological father on my birth certificate, and had done her best to purge any record of him from her life. I spent a while in foster care before my godparents, who had never seen me, were located and contacted. They were appointed by my grandparents when I was born as default guardians and had had no contact with me before then.
After I went to live with them, I eventually blossomed. It took me a long time to warm up to them and adjust to life. Going from having a single, mentally-unstable and abusive mother to having two fathers in a loving home kind of turned me on my head, but I am very happy that I did and do have them in my life. They were supportive of me when I wanted to try and find my father at 13; it took 2 years, and a lot of digging, but we did. I found out I have a step-mother and a little half-sister ? we're all very close now, and though I do not and will never think of my biological father as my "real" parent, I do really enjoy spending time with him and knowing him as a person and good friend. I know my not thinking of him as a father hurts him, but I cannot help that I don't feel that, and I would rather be honest and enjoy the friendship we have than try to fit a role which I don't feel I belong in. my godparents and I ? in some stroke of luck ? had moved to the same area as they lived not a month or two before we located him, and to this day I see them frequently.
While I don't think of him as my father ? I already have two of them ? I am glad I found him. I did feel some sort of curiosity, and I am glad I have some history there and know him now. I wouldn't say I was missing a piece of my heart before I met him. I never wondered whether he loved me, whether he cared, whether he thought of me or even knew I existed. That he turned out to be a great guy and did think of me often was nice after I met him, but it wasn't something I ever fretted over before meeting him.
I wondered what my medical history was and I would look in the mirror and think, "he must have red or brown hair, certainly not ashy blond like my mother; maybe my nose came from him," or think, "I'll bet he has glasses too." But there wasn't really emotion involved until after I met him. I didn't feel that emptiness most adoptees speak of; no hole in my heart for not knowing him. maybe because I was raised by my biological mother, thus knew one of my bio parents; maybe it was just my personality. I don't know.
However, now that he, his wife and my sister are in my life, there would without a doubt be a hole in my life were they removed. I am glad I met them, but I never felt a pressing emotional need to.
I also found my older half-sister, from my mother's side, which was less pleasant. In some selfish ways, I wish I'd never met her, but there's good which comes from every bad. now 7 years later, I've found out what that good is, in the form of my two nieces, who live with my husband, daughter and I.
I surrendered my daughter in 1972 to a closed adoption. to be honest I remembered her 1st birthday and then for the next 10 years nothing.
Before you gasp, let me explain. I remembered the whole week before and grew more and more distraught with every passing day. then I would remember the day after. I honestly believe it was a defense mechanism to keep me from going insane. For the next 17 years I remembered painfully, until I finally got the call i had been waiting for for 28 years.
We talked for 4 hours, I cried, several times. It brought back so many things, guilt, pain, shame, remorse, sorrow, and it was all taken away from me in one phone call. well almost, I still have issue with my decision and probably always will but it changed both our lives.
9 years later we are one of the success stories. No arguements, no resentment, just pick up from here and build a life together.
She loves her parents as much as ever, maybe even more because now she knows why she was such a hand full. Her mother (me) and father (whom she has met) were nothing like her mom and dad (who raised her). they are quiet, reserved, private and she's LOUD, talks 90 miles an hour, has a real passion for life, and likes ink on her skin. LOL I don't know where she got that from.
Meeting my daughter gave me a chance to forgive myself and let go of all the hurt. I have a new best friend, and so does she.
If you can determine the Hospital in the State you were born in (through the State Department of Vital Statistics), you may be able to secure your birthmother's identity through your hospital birth/medical record. many adoptions (e.g. closed adoptions) may have been conducted through the Hospital of your birth (unlawful gray-market brokered baby adoption), rather than through the protections of a Court Decree and Finalization. BTW: Don't expect a lawyer to diligently assist you with this task? they will sell-you-out every time!
I have located an article, which may explain many questions that adoptees and their respective birthmothers may have with regard to locating/opening adoption records.
See: humanduplicity.blogspot.com/
I'm 30, and when I was 18, I found out that most of what Id been told growing up was a lie perpetuated by the agency. I wasn't relinquished at birth like they'd said, I spent a month with my first mother. she placed me in foster care to get back on her feet and be in a position to provide for 2 children ( a sister, an older sister I knew nothing about until I got the non identifying information) I was placed with my adoptive family months before my first mom even signed over her rights to me.
I always knew I was adopted. my abrother as well. we didn't have much by way of a childhood, we were raised on a farm, and from very early on, we each had some hefty responsibilities. my adad was around long enough to eat dinner and go to bed. my amom had a vile temper, was very religious, and felt very deeply about the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing, and my afather, being terminally allergic to confrontation, did absolutely nothing to curb her behavior. we lived poor most of the time, and very poor some of of the time. I'm no stranger to hardship, and I think thats part of what helped me get through when I was 17 and pregnant.
I started searching for my first family right after I turned 18, it had been something I was anxiously awaiting all my life. I applied for my non identifying, and my adoption order. I tried microfilms at the library, old yearbooks at the highschools, getting on registries, online forums, editorial in the paper, still no luck. I was having medical issues, and my dr had applied to expedite a search for me through the national registry in canada. I found a local volunteer group shortly after that, they asked for a copy of my adoption order, my non identifying, and 2 weeks later, they had names and phone numbers for me. I sat on the number for a few days while I eeked up the courage to call her.
The first call didn't last long, long enough to tell her who I was, we both cried, and set up a day and time to meet. we met a few days later at my appartment, she brought my older sister with her. I started learning some seriously deep stuff about my family, some of it scary, some of it wonderful. It was different and all kinds of amazing to physically resemble someone so much that there is absolutely no mistaking that you are their daughter/sister. Things started happening, my first mom never quite got over the relinquishment, had lead a very hard life, and jumped right in to trying to parent me. I was a mom already, I didnt need her to parent me. she tried other unhealthy means of garnering my love and loyalty, and in the end, I felt I had to back off. with my sister, Id made the decision to marry a man that she felt very off about, and she couldnt watch me do it. (she was right, but I digress)
I recently found my sister on FB. I contacted her, and we've been in re-reunion since. We've been taking it slow, but she might be able to visit us for a part of the holidays, and I'm really hoping she can. I have nephews to meet, and an older niece to re reunite with too.
I understand completely how you feel, hopefully you will be able to find your first family soon!
ADOPTION Stories? Children? Parents? ?
Source: http://thebreakingstory.com/parenting/adoption-stories-children-parents/3235.html
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