Sex And The 23 Year Old | Knob-Slobbing Feminism

June 2012 is Guest Blogger Month here at Knob-Slobbing Feminism. I solicited a few bloggers, writers, poets, etc to contribute posts lending their perspectives and experiences on feminism, sexuality, relationships, liberation, sex, and everything this blog is about. I hope you enjoy their contributions as much as I have.

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I was a late bloomer practically by all standards. While girls were developing voluptuous figures throughout junior high school and high school, I remained thin and straight as a palm tree. When my group of friends would gather to talk about going to so-and-so?s house for make-out sessions and sex, I was the one in the group who would remain mum ? not because of my secretive nature, just because I had nothing to say. Growing up in a home where it was drilled to me since my first menstrual cycle that ?good girls keep their legs closed till marriage,? I was determined to have sex the ?right way?. Yes, I was set on being the girl who would have sex for the first time on her wedding night. I didn?t hold on to this notion because I wanted to give my future husband a gift, I held on to it because I blindly believed that it was the right thing to do.

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Of course, that?little Catholic girl dream went straight out the window when my first love rolled around. An older man with the suaveness and sex appeal of a Danielle Steele character strolled into my life and changed me forever. For once, I stopped feeling ashamed of my body ? ashamed that it wasn?t what I thought men wanted. And I felt free? free to be sexual, to please and be pleased. Because of this man, his love, and a new-found confidence, I started discovering myself. I learned that it was okay to want to be touched and to want to experience intimacy with someone. After this relationship ended, I embarked into 2 others and although those men were not as supportive or loving (in every sense of the word) as my first, I was determined to not let that stop me from learning about my body, what I like, and what I need to feel sexually fulfilled.
This journey definitely comes with setbacks. Not every partner is going to be communicative or open to listening to what you desire. Some relationships will be down-right toxic. My last involvement with a man left me feeling sexually insecure and incompetent. Because of the lack of emotional reciprocation, his selfishness and his unwillingness to communicate, we were unable to connect on a much deeper level. It took me a while to recover from that (what person wants to feel that low?), but I?ve taken it as a lesson learned. I now know that I need someone who gives me what I need with both hands?when?I need it. My body is not simply an object for someone to project all of their stigmas, stereotypes and hurt on. It is a vessel that wants to give love and receive love. I suppose those Catholic lessons weren?t all that stifling, because my body?is?special, and it truly deserves the best.

Valerie Jean-Charles is a 23 year old writer from Brooklyn, New York. Her work may be found on ForHarriet.com and Joonbug.com. You may also find her on twitter: @Empressval

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